This has been a crazy time for me.
"Really God?" Is what I caught myself saying often.
As always, I let my fear of vulnerability to the Lord get in the way of having regular dates with Jesus. So, naturally I developed a little list of things that I wasn't too happy with. Things that were heavy on my heart. And things that I had no answers to and hoped that He did. But I never took the time to actually go through that list with Him. And my life slowly started to become a mess. My ducks were starting to get out of line.
My grandpa, an 82 year old man who had an incredible sense of humor passed away last week. March 29th, 2012. Just a quick recap for those who don't know. My grandpa was suffering from kidney failure and he refused to do dialysis.
I tried building myself up for what was coming. I mean, I had a sense of what it was going to be like, what I had to prepare for and what I had to do in order to not make the same mistakes I did when my grandmother has passed. As much as I tried to prepare myself I never quite got it right. I was still not ready. Although on the outside I might have looked like I took it good. But, really I was in denial. I refused to accept the fact that my grandpa died. That I no longer had any grandparents. To seek wisdom from, to hear stories from the past and to just be in their presence. Every morning when I woke up It felt like it was all a bad dream. As if it never happened.
The fact that my grandpa wasn't with us anymore finally hit me. The night of his viewing service it hit me hard. Seeing his casket, hearing his sister tell us all stories of when he was a kid. Seeing her in pain, and everyone else around me. It really happened. And it wasn't until my dad spoke these very words and said, " I know in my heart that I will see Eddie again", is when I was able to have some peace in the fact that he was gone. It was a stepping stone for me to draw near to the Lord and allow him to comfort me. Allow him to pour out His love for me. And to know that It was okay for me to be upset about it. It was okay for me to cry. I kept thinking of when Jesus dealt with the death of Lazarus, John 11:35 "Jesus wept." He was overcome with sorrow even though He knew He would rise again.
Everyone has a different grieving process. And I am still figuring out mine. You would think I would be a pro at it right? I never dealt with the death of my grandma, aunt, abuelito and abuelita in the present time. And I am learning now how to deal with my grandpas death in current time. It isn't easy. But the more I talk with Jesus, the easier it gets.
Word to the wise, pretending that you don't hear God whispering in your ear isn't always the best thing to do. I mentioned that I haven't been going to God with the things that are bothering me lately and how that it's only causing me to build a bigger list of beef I have with Him. And naturally, my life is becoming more and more of a mess and my ducks are no where to be found at this point. The funny thing about God is, He knows how to get to you. In a sneaky way. Well, at least that is how it felt like for me. These past two months I have had a few opportunities to step up in my leadership role and be blessing to others. To step out of my comfort zone, and glorify God. Here is the sneaky part. God knows that I can't have beef with Him when I've made a decision to lead and bless others. So here is how I imagine it in my head.
Me: " Why does my life suck right now? "
Jesus: " Wanna talk about it? "
Me: (pretending that I didn't hear him) "School is stressing me out."
Jesus: " I am still here if you wanna talk. "
Me: (still pretending not to listen) "I do not know how to deal with all this."
Jesus: "I do. Want to get some coffee?"
Me: (doesn't respond, but deep down wants to talk)
Jesus: "Alright, I know she wants to talk...I know she's scared...how could I giver her that extra push???"
(2 days later Liz has 3 amazing opportunities given to her and she knows she cant do them alone)
Me: " 7pm, Starbucks in El Monte?"
Jesus: "I'll be there. "
Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Psalm 116:1-7
So this is where I am. I apologize that this post is so long. Who ever stuck it through and is still reading, If there is one thing that I can get across to you is, talk with God. I know it can be scary. But just as I remind myself this every time, He just wants to have dinner with you. I encourage you to read the story of Zacchaeus. It could be found in Luke chapter 19. My mentor had me read it and since then, It has helped me a lot.
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| My grandpa Eddie and his little sister Ester at his 81st birthday. Always in my Heart <3 |
"Yes, really."
♥L
